The NY Times Thinks You’re Stupid

I loved reading this article asserting that plants are just as sentient as animals. What a great day for plant rights! Now we’ll finally see plants treated humanely like the complex, sensitive beings they truly are. No more will broccoli be barbarically severed at the neck, but humanely stunned (electrocuted, not exasperated) like chickens or shot in the head with a captive bolt like cows and steer. No longer will people cruelly gouge the eyes of a potato or savagely shuck an ear of corn without a second thought. We will finally get the humane treatment we deserve for  all plant life. Houseplants will now be subject to the same humane laws as pets, meaning not feeding your plants or giving them access to sun will be a jail-able offense accompanied by a fine! Gone are the days where a “garden” and “slaughterhouse” are considered two separate entities. Can you not see, hear, and feel the incredible suffering that happens at our hands every time we pull a weed or, god forbid, slaughter a carrot? Plants are immobile, but have giant unidentifiable brains connected to invisible complex central nervous systems complete with unrecognizable pain receptors which have evolved, logically, as a way for plants to feel pain and suffer but do absolutely nothing about it. Like get the fuck out of the way. The fact that animals can move in order to avoid feeling pain has nothing to do with pain or sentience, obviously. Plants are people, too, damn-it! Way to go NY Times for finally recognizing plant rights. Kudos.

Of course, if we take plant rights seriously, this also means that no longer can we justify killing hundreds of thousands of plants to feed their carcasses to a few animals, just so we can have meat. We have a moral obligation to these highly sentient beings to eat them directly rather than wasting their lives to fatten animals. No longer will our clothes be made out of the innocent lives of hundreds of cotton plants, but, obviously only large animal skins (or polyester) since that would cause less overall suffering. Back to the stone age (or the 70’s)! Leather chaps (or leisure suits) for all! And what about nuts? Nuts are plant fetuses! (Oh wait, chickens’eggs are fetuses, too, and some people eat those. Hmmm.) Okay, baby spinach, the veal calves of the plant kingdom! Think about it!  ZOMG seeds are babies! Think of the cute little baby seeds!  Stop clubbing baby spinach!

Or, maybe we could go the other direction…

I loved reading this article asserting that plants are just as sentient as animals. Finally, someone gets it. All of these AR people are going to finally have to admit, based on this new and undeniable evidence, that there is no reason to treat animals any different than equally sentient, reactive, and sensitive plants. Vegetable “farmers”, (more like “veggie angels of death”) have no qualms cramming together row after row of beans, corn, carrots, onions, garlic and all the other breeds of highly sentient vegetables and other plants, stacking them one on top of the other in crates on their way to supermarkets, and, most importantly, the inhumane slaughter of vegetables, with no regard for the interests of the vegetable. But as soon as a factory farmer tries to increase output by concentrating animal populations and confining them to feedlots, battery cages, or farrowing crates, all of a sudden animals have rights and we should care about them. No one cares about the age at which we kill baby spinach, but as soon as a veal farmer wants to kill a one month old calf, the moral elitists get all huffy-puffy. We are here to eat, and we have to kill to do it. People are just going to have to get it through their heads that we owe no more humane treatment to a hog than hogweed, a dog than dogwood,  a cat than cattail. Treating animals and plants differently is irrational, illogical, and just bad science.

But seriously, folks.

Here’s the only simple responses to such a feckless, vacuous, poorly thought-out argument:It doesn’t take a plant psychologist to figure out that our moral obligation to plants is irrelevant to our moral obligation to other animals.  For dinner tonight, the author will be having the pan-fried, sesame-crusted red herring, topped with a demi-glace made from meat industry drippings simmered with apples and oranges.

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