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Anthony Bourdain Beats Lung Cancer By Adopting A Vegan Diet

Anthony Bourdain, chef, cookbook writer, and host of “No Reservations” on the Travel Channel – and staunch vegetarian and vegan opponent – has revealed that he has been a closet vegan since he was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years ago. Since then, the diet has improved his health so much so, recent tests by his doctors showed the cancer to be in remission.

At a press conference this morning, Bourdain stated, “I was hesitant to come out and admit it, I know it will let a lot of people down knowing that I have quit eating rectum, eyes, gonads, and other various animal parts, but they were just killing me. ”

When asked how he managed to keep it a secret he replied, “I just acted like I got food poisoning a lot, which is understandable considering all meat is covered in shit. Vomiting just seemed normal to everyone.”

“And eating vegan has opened me up to all the suffering I have caused by my insatiable thirst for the most torturous foods. I regret every bite of foie gras, and every veal cutlet. But also, I see the suffering in every egg  and every glass of milk,” he confessed. “I still smoke five packs a day, but just removing animal products from my diet has stopped my cancer cold. I really don’t know what else to say. I’m going to live,” Bourdain added.

To which a bloodthirsty crowd responded with loud boos and hissing, with some members of the angry mob yelling things such as “faggot”, “hippie”, “pussy”, and “elitist”, and some threatening to eat Bourdain himself. How long will the show last? Time will tell, but does anyone really want to see someone travel around the world and eat vegetables? Our guess is, as far as the general public is concerned, if it doesn’t involve ramming a tube down a goose’s throat, it’s not worth watching someone eat it.

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