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PETA Announces New Reality Show

Ingrid Newkirk from PETA has just announced that the animal welfare organization will no longer use simply misogyny and sexism as a ploy to get people “turned on” by animal issues, but will instead switch to more shocking tactics.

“Objectifying women through the use of sexual appeal and nudity to get the public’s attention might have been a useful tool before the internet. But in today’s world, most boys have seen 2 girls 1 cup by the age of five. Plain sexism and misogyny doesn’t work anymore. No one cares about a naked woman, standing there, talking…about animals. That’s why we must step up our campaigns to include more contemporary forms of shocking entertainment. Movies such as Hostel, Kill Bill, and No Country For Old Men and internet videos and sites featuring animals, scat, and other fetishes are the inspiration for our new campaign. For years we’ve been known for graphic slaughterhouse footage, and graphic nudity. Well, what if we combined the two?”

She then announced PETA’s new reality show on TLC: Slaughter-Babes, Inc. PETA took 12 of the wildest, plainest-looking babes in Norfolk, moved them into a slaughterhouse/condo, and turned on the cameras.

“What we filmed was some of the greatest animal rights footage ever caught on tape,” Newkirk described, “naked women with saws and knives, killing and dismembering animals. It should really change people’s minds about our treatment of animals. But is wasn’t all work and no play. Between the blood fights, the intestine slip’n’slide, the bile baths, and the wet t-shirt contest, a lot of real fun was had, and a lot of learning took place”

Look for “Slaughter-Babes, Inc.”, Tuesdays this fall after “Kill Her, Cook Her, Eat Her with Sarah Palin”.


Anthony Bourdain Beats Lung Cancer By Adopting A Vegan Diet

Anthony Bourdain, chef, cookbook writer, and host of “No Reservations” on the Travel Channel – and staunch vegetarian and vegan opponent – has revealed that he has been a closet vegan since he was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years ago. Since then, the diet has improved his health so much so, recent tests by his doctors showed the cancer to be in remission.

At a press conference this morning, Bourdain stated, “I was hesitant to come out and admit it, I know it will let a lot of people down knowing that I have quit eating rectum, eyes, gonads, and other various animal parts, but they were just killing me. ”

When asked how he managed to keep it a secret he replied, “I just acted like I got food poisoning a lot, which is understandable considering all meat is covered in shit. Vomiting just seemed normal to everyone.”

“And eating vegan has opened me up to all the suffering I have caused by my insatiable thirst for the most torturous foods. I regret every bite of foie gras, and every veal cutlet. But also, I see the suffering in every egg  and every glass of milk,” he confessed. “I still smoke five packs a day, but just removing animal products from my diet has stopped my cancer cold. I really don’t know what else to say. I’m going to live,” Bourdain added.

To which a bloodthirsty crowd responded with loud boos and hissing, with some members of the angry mob yelling things such as “faggot”, “hippie”, “pussy”, and “elitist”, and some threatening to eat Bourdain himself. How long will the show last? Time will tell, but does anyone really want to see someone travel around the world and eat vegetables? Our guess is, as far as the general public is concerned, if it doesn’t involve ramming a tube down a goose’s throat, it’s not worth watching someone eat it.